You Don't Know Jack-Eye
This may sound redundant during this time of war, but I’m going to say it anyway: the 5-Star world is an unnecessary world. I’m in Saint Moritz, Switzerland, and I’ve just eaten a $40 cookie with my $25 coffee. Walking back from a restaurant in the nearby village, I saw a Bentley with a Luxembourg license plate. I have little to say about the Swiss except they are exceedingly obsequious to everyone they meet, especially Germans. It’s an unnecessary world, and it deserves none of what it has and none of our valuable time. However, I had an experience yesterday with my 5-star toilet in my room at this 5-star hotel that caused me more than a moment’s pause. I’d just eaten another rude breakfast of excreting eggs with bacon and an indifferent piece of fruit. Coupled with yet another bumpy flight the previous day, I thought it might cause digestive disruption (known in its extreme state as Simonia Marcusia Explosia). But it didn’t. I sauntered into the bathroom, passed with a hush through a sliding glass door into the toilet salon. I sat down on the toilet and it began to whir. A-ha! A whirring toilet! I opened the International Herald Tribune and read an article about how this week’s men’s show at Milan is presenting a “Neo-Conservative” look. It was a toxic enough read. I went about my business for a bit as I read another story about Dick Cheney's sinister meddlings with domestic staff selections. Boy, the Herald Tribune is just an awful newspaper now. The article reads like it was written, quite literally, by the rotted corpse of Walter Lippman.

Then I pressed the Flush button with my elbow, and I sighed as the bowl drained. However, my story – much like Bush’s presidency – doesn’t end here. For just then a geyser of warm-to-hot water erupted at my arse. I let out a yelp and reflexed the newspaper across the salon. I was scared and repulsed, but my nerves had trouble doing the physiognomic mathematics. What was I really feeling? Before I had a chance to answer, a bullet of cold water caught me right on the jack-eye. I was suddenly very angry, but then a warm breeze began blowing from deep within that toilet bowl, and I was suddenly very happy. Maybe the Swiss (and I bet the Japs) know something that we don’t.

Happy inauguration day, Simon.
- posted by The Long Shot @ Wednesday, January 19, 2005